Monthly Archives: December 2016

Pancakes and sushi

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Today is almost the new year! Tonight, we can politely escort 2016 out and celebrate the arrival of a new chance, a new beginning. Things are not going to be fantastic in 2017 but there’s still the hope that we can protect and defend ourselves.

Breakfast today is pancakes, delicious pancakes. Lunch will be sushi at our favorite restaurant, the one that has the servers who have known the girls since before they were born. We have a bunch of friends joining us for the day, hooray! Dinner… I have no idea what dinner will be. XD It’s going to be whatever I have on hand because I’m not sure I have the time to go shopping and buy anything tonight!

After dinner, once the kids are in bed, we’ll probably visit a friend’s place- or maybe we’ll stay home and ring in the new year together. I know Brian is planning something nice tonight for the gods, so we’ll see what happens.

 

Not completely abandoned

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I had a lovely lunch with my grandmother and my kids today, and it’s nice to have at least one family member who isn’t playing both sides of the coin or politely ignoring me.

Breakfast: Waffles. Everyone at some. Some needed peanut butter. Others just ate waffles.

Lunch: Denny’s. Josh had all his pancakes and bacon and part of Ayla’s pancakes. Ayla ate three bites of turkey bacon and two or three bites of pancake. Kaeli ate one bite of her hamburger and a handful of fries and grapes. They’re going to be SO HUNGRY at dinner.

Dinner: mac and cheese, while I’m at class. Ben will take care of it from there.

I am really not liking this book for the book study class I’m in. It’s the Inner Temple of Witchcraft and it’s surprisingly monotheistic. He has this mentality that all deity is actually one Greater Divine Essence, and as a relatively hard polytheist I’m sort of indignant at the idea that he keeps insisting that my gods are actually all part of -his- divinity. He talks about how we are all just thought-forms of the divine mind and that just pisses me off.

Maybe I need to take a few deep breaths and not read him for a while.

Future Plans

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I’ve started a YouCaring fundraiser page to help me raise $3000 over the next two years for doula training.

I’d like to be able to do birthwork for all parents, with a specialty in transgender parents. I’d also like to be not just a birth doula but a birth transitions doula- working not just with pregnant people who are birthing their babies, but also people who are choosing an abortion, for whatever reason. I want to be there during their transition, to support and nourish and defend them while they do what they find necessary for their pregnancy.

Too many times, birthing parents are pushed around, poorly educated or educated with bias, or straight up bullied. This happens for cis parents, but with the addition of being outside the norm, trans parents get a lot of harassment, from microaggressions (“Okay, Mommy, it’s time to push!” to a trans father.) to outright discrimination.  

There’s also other people at high risk of discrimination- young parents, lesbian or gay parents with a donor or surrogate, or people of differing cultural or religious needs. 

I want to be a doula that supports all parents, not just cisgender, heterosexual, mainstream ones. (Not that there’s anything wrong with supporting them, they need support too!) 

I’m just really passionate about this.

In totally unrelated news, day two of meal peace seems to have worked. 

Breakfast: Waffles, Eggs, Bacon. Everyone ate waffles, everyone ate a little bacon, nobody ate their eggs.

Lunch: Lunchables. Everyone ate everything except Ayla who did not eat her crackers. 

Dinner: Pizza. I cheated hard. Everyone ate cheese pizza and breadsticks, because I had a Stitch and Witch to attend so they had pizza!

Power Struggles

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I’ve been struggling with Kaeli, trying to get her to eat. Mealtimes have become me sitting there, coaxing her to take every. single. bite. and I just can’t do it anymore. Meals have become about control instead of nourishment. I’m trying to control her diet by making sure she eats her food, she’s trying to establish control by -not- eating her food, and we fight for hours every day.

So I’m trying not to. I’m trying to just… present her food, and let her eat it.

It sounds so simple, but all my research says that the best thing to do, is stop making it about power. Make it about conversation and community and togetherness, and if she eats it, she eats it. If she doesn’t, she’ll be hungrier for the next meal. Make sure that there’s something at every meal that each kid will eat, even if it’s just carrot sticks or dinner rolls. I try to include something healthy- fruits or veggies or yogurt or something at each meal that they’ll eat for sure.

I’m not sure how it’ll go, but we’ll find out. Lets try it.

Breakfast: Waffles and bacon. Josh ate both. Kaeli ate a waffle, Ayla ate a waffle. I think the girls had a small bit of bacon. Josh ate most of it.

Lunch: Parmesan pigs in a blanket- puff pastry around little smokeys and sprinkled with parmesan cheese, and carrot sticks and milk. Josh ate his pigs. Ayla ate carrots. Kaeli ate one pig and one carrot. Everyone had some milk.

Supper: Breaded chicken breast chunks, crinkle cut fries, and fresh carrots, radishes, cucumbers, and bell peppers. All kids ate everything, and lots of it. By dinner they were all hungry, having ate only a little at the other two meals. We did not pressure anyone to eat anything, or coax, or anything. We encouraged them to taste food, praised them for eating a variety of things, and otherwise ignored their food choices except to remind them to mind their table manners and offer solutions to flavor dilemmas (offering sauces to help when they said something was ‘spicy’ for instance.)

Day One: Appears to be a success. Kaeli ate a little bit of everything, Ayla tried several new foods. Josh ate an entire plate of food and veggies. The veggie platter was cleared by the end of the meal. 

My ‘Word’ for 2017: Sparkle

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So I was seriously thinking of using the word Nourish for the year, because I’m trying to conceive and nourishing my poor, stressed out body and mind seems like a good option. But whenever I let the idea come to mind, the first word in my mind is “Sparkle”. It even comes up during my meditations, and finally I just decided ‘you know what? It’s meant to be.’ and thus, my word for 2017 has been chosen.

But, what does ‘sparkle’ look like? 

I’m not really sure, honestly. When something sparkles, it’s a little flash of light that draws your attention to it. It’s defined as “to shine brightly, with flashes of light”. It’s also defined as ‘vivacious and witty’, but I’m not sure I can manage that one.

So what does it look like, in practicality?

I suppose it looks like smiling at strangers. Maybe it looks like a clean house? It looks like a clean me. Dressing with a little flash, maybe. Compliments, and health, maybe. I don’t really know. 

It freaks me out, the idea of not knowing entirely what my word will look like, or my world, for that matter. I guess it looks like bringing little flashes of light to someone’s world and making them light up a little bit, encouraging their natural light to sparkle through for a moment, as well as my own.

I took a moment to reflect on my previous word, which was (amusingly) reflect. I read through my reasons for it and it pained me, to see how downtrodden I was during that time. How I played down my own natural light in favor of only being good enough to ‘reflect’ other’s light. I thought so little of myself. I read through about what people used to tell me about myself and I wonder, who tells a child that? 

So I tell myself new stories now. I try to recognize my limits and my weaknesses, and grow beyond them instead of accepting them as ‘the best I’ll ever be’. I can be so much more. I can shine for the world, but I’m starting small, and my first step is to spread sparkles of love and joy and delight among the people I’m around for the next year.

So lets see how we go, for Sparkle this year. Wish me luck!

Updates

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Updates:

My divorce turned ugly, and then turned back again, and my family disowned me. I got married again, to a man with respect for my body and my life. Custody battles are hell, and losing custody battles is more so.

I’m not sure really what else to say for my update. There’s a lot that’s happened in four years, and it’s been a miserable four years of struggle and trauma and stress. I went through a year long therapy program that helped me learn to control my responses to my emotions, and that was a blessing. I met my (now) husband about three weeks after my last post- we married on May 1st of this year. The girls are five now, big and bold and strong, and my son is eight- eight! Can you believe it! 

My mother (and the rest of my family excepting my father and my grandmother, and my two adoptive sisters) disowned me.

I’m learning how to adapt into a new family, one that’s foreign and confusing to me.

My ex husband went through a nasty phase of listening to my ex-mom, for several years, and once he stopped (long dramatic story there) he started talking to me and it turns out that she has been playing us off each other for years, at least since my son was born and possibly longer, and encouraged the divorce without actually saying she wanted it, and she encouraged him to fight me for custody, to try to keep the kids away from me, and lied to him, telling him that we were abusing the kids, and when he finally actually spoke to me (he hasn’t for many years) it didn’t take long for him to realize she had been lying to him the entire time.

She lied to me too.

So now I have no mother, and along with that I have no aunts or uncles or family.

But when I married, I gained two brothers, and I still have my sisters. So there’s that.

ANYWAY.