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Amaryllis day 51

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Last flower….

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Sugar

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I have a love hate relationship with sugar. 

I want it. I need it. I’m addicted to it, and it creates cravings in me that I cannot control.

I hate it because of those things.

I don’t like letting sugar control my life. I’m trying my best to cut it out of my diet, but it’s in everything, and I just don’t have the spoons to do what I have to do to cut it out- that is, cook from scratch and eat homecooked food.

Before anyone starts squawking at me about “But your HEALTH!” I am aware that my health is being negatively affected by it. You know what else negatively affects my health? Mental illness.

Sometimes, a bag of chips and a soda is what I have the energy to eat- the idea of opening a can of soup is just too much work. The idea of preparing and cooking soup from scratch so that it’s delicious and still healthy? WAY beyond my ability.

I’m trying to cut my sugar back. I stopped drinking soda, although I replaced it with lemonade so it’s not really all that much better, but I stopped drinking soda. 

I’m trying to eat food instead of snacks. But I’m still firmly of the opinion of a recovering anorexic that ‘any food is better than no food’ and I’m still in that stage of recovery. 

I don’t know if you ever get out of that stage of recovery. (My therapist isn’t trained in eating disorders.)

But the important part is that I’m trying, I’m trying. 

I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a chicken sandwich for lunch, a bowl of soup for midafternoon snack, and pizza for dinner (Thanks Nate!)

I feel like the food industry is trying to keep me addicted, given that there’s sugar in bleeding everything. >< 

I was going somewhere with this but I lost it. I’m sorry.

Not completely abandoned

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I had a lovely lunch with my grandmother and my kids today, and it’s nice to have at least one family member who isn’t playing both sides of the coin or politely ignoring me.

Breakfast: Waffles. Everyone at some. Some needed peanut butter. Others just ate waffles.

Lunch: Denny’s. Josh had all his pancakes and bacon and part of Ayla’s pancakes. Ayla ate three bites of turkey bacon and two or three bites of pancake. Kaeli ate one bite of her hamburger and a handful of fries and grapes. They’re going to be SO HUNGRY at dinner.

Dinner: mac and cheese, while I’m at class. Ben will take care of it from there.

I am really not liking this book for the book study class I’m in. It’s the Inner Temple of Witchcraft and it’s surprisingly monotheistic. He has this mentality that all deity is actually one Greater Divine Essence, and as a relatively hard polytheist I’m sort of indignant at the idea that he keeps insisting that my gods are actually all part of -his- divinity. He talks about how we are all just thought-forms of the divine mind and that just pisses me off.

Maybe I need to take a few deep breaths and not read him for a while.